The Legacy She Refused to Pass On

Earlier today, I was on a call with a woman who shared her history of sexual trauma and abuse. She didn’t share details of the abuse, but rather, she shared the circumstances surrounding it: a mother who was sexually abused herself; a household where sex was not to be spoken of, in no uncertain terms; a family where violence was the most common form of punishment; and a space where children having a voice or an opinion was not supported.

We talked about safety, bravery, and resilience, and we talked about her approach to sex now, as a woman, a mother, and an adult navigating her own desire.

She talked about how, after these traumatic experiences, when her own sexual agency and power were taken from her, she sought to educate herself. She read books about anatomy and sex. She spent time getting to know her own body and communicating her needs to partners, some responding better than others.

She shared these powerful lessons openly and honestly on a phone call. A woman I had never met; the very first time we spoke. It is not lost on me what a privilege this is. I get to be in conversation with people, hear things they’ve often never told anyone else, and sometimes have not even faced themselves. It’s such an honor.

When we say that sex and sexual desire are natural, human, connective, soul-enriching experiences and that they should be joyful and life-giving, it takes them from dripping in shame to being utterly normal. It takes them to a place where they are exciting to talk about, in a similar way that we talk about empowering young women to use their voices, burn their bras, use birth control, recognize “No” as a complete sentence, and believe they can be whomever and whatever they want to be.

Sometimes, still, amid whatever current wave of feminism we are in (4th?), we are lacking discourse around desire and ownership of sexual desire. We focus on the ability of women to hold any office (well, maybe not in America...), have any job, be paid equal wages, etc. On paper, women are supposed to be fully liberated. But we’re not fully liberated.

Roe v. Wade was overturned. We’re stuck on “biological gender” and a lack of embracing all gender identities, trans women in particular. We’re still shackled by a dominant narrative that makes it challenging for us to talk about sex—a narrative that makes us think we need to have these conversations only in private, in coded language, if at all. And unfortunately, when conversations are occurring in private or not at all, it greatly increases the chances for abuse and harm.

How can we talk about sex in an open, honest, and vulnerable way? We are taught not to do that. We are taught to be people-pleasers, performers, and actresses—not fully sentient beings in charge of our internal needs and our external environments.

On our call earlier, this woman shared her experiences and her progression toward reclaiming her sexual agency and sexual identity. She talked about her struggles, her missteps, and her frequent wondering, “Is this normal?” which is perhaps the most normal of all the sex-related questions.

The answer is probably yes, or at the very least, you are not the only person with that question, quandary, or kink.

She is now talking to her young son about sex in an age-appropriate way. She teaches him accurate anatomy, consent, and privacy. None of it in a shaming way; all of it in an empowering way. She’s breaking the cycle of harm.

She has been able to learn about her sexual agency despite her lack of education and the tragedies that befell her. She learned and is now empowered, enjoying a satisfying, fun, and pleasurable sex life. She embraces her desire, communicates effectively, and remains connected to herself as a sexual person, even though she is a mother and a survivor of sexual abuse.

She did the learning that society did not do for her. She supported herself in the ways society did not support her.

So, while this fourth wave pushes forward and hopefully advances the feminist movement for all women in all facets of women’s lives, we can also take our desire into our own hands. While the movement pushes the macro side of the discourse, we can all formulate our own movements, our own resistance, within the walls of our homes.

And if we all do that, it becomes a collective action.